Weekend jokes for Couples...

Politicians
Four surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
But the fourth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable!"

What's the Charge???
A man was going around 1.00am alone in his car, he got to a check point. The policeman stopped him and asked for everything which he gave out. The police had nothing to ask again, in order to charge him, he said... "I charge you for driving alone at this time of the day, if you come get accident now who go go tell your people?" 
The man replied: I'm not alone, Jesus Christ is with me here, Angel Gabriel, Angel Rapheal, Angel Micheal and five angels are with me here. 
The policeman said: "all these people inside this your small car?
I charge you for overloading!!!

15 metres east
An European pilot came to Nigeria and hired two local hunters to help him get some 'bush meat'. He dropped them in the forest in a chartered plane and returned a week later to pick them up. He looked at the 'bush meat' they had shot. "There is no way the plane can take all this bush meat. We will have to leave a third of it behind.""But we did it last year", the hunters insisted. "The pilot took the two of us and the same amount of bush meat in a plane just like yours"The pilot hesitated, but then decided to take their word for it. "Well, if you did it last year, I suppose we can do it again this year."The plane took off. As it approached a nearby mountain, it could not gain height. it crashed into the side of the mountain. The pilot and the hunters crawled out of the plane, dazed but glad to be alive."I wonder where we are," the pilot asked. One of the hunters looked around, "Don't worry, I think we are just 15 metres east of where we crashed last year."

Urhobo Wayo
An Urhobo man invited his friends for his father's burial in his village. After lowering the coffin, they put yam, rice, meat etc, into the grave. His Hausa Friend asked why? The Urhobo man smiled and said, ''According to our tradition, the dead man is going on a long journey & need all the food items. His Hausa Friend dropped £500 inside, and said ''When the food finish, buy more''. ... His Yoruba Friend also dropped £500, saying that the man might need to buy non-Nigerian foods over there. The Igbo man brought out his cheque book and wrote a cheque of £1500 and took the £1000 cash notes as his change. He told the undertakers, to cover the grave and Let their friends father rest in peace...

HBD Akpors!
Akpors got a message from his girl friend on his birthday. Message Reads:”HBD Boo….LLNP,LYSM TTYL” ….
Akpors provoked and called her phone…”Kate what is the meaning of HBD LLNP and Those rubbish…?”Kate replied Haaa Akpors don’t tell me you are this dumb…..and local Oh My Gooosh ,you don’t even know the meaning of HBD and all that Mtchwwwwww.
Well, HBD means ”Happy Birthday”,LLNP means ”Long Iife Nd prosperity” LYSM means “Love You so much” and TTYL means”Talk to you later”dumbass. Akpors (angrily) ends the call and sent her a text message 2mins later, Message reads: TFY Kate.
Kate called immediately, “Akpors what is themeaning of TFY?” Akpors answered “Oh u don’t even know common TFY?” After much laugh Akpos replied TFYmeans: “Thunder fire you”

Talking Horse
A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won £40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again. asking her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."

Silly and Beautiful
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so silly and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me silly so I would be attracted to you!

I don't even know her.
Wife: Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don't you do that?
Husband: How can I? I don't even know her.

Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman...

Need still FASTER
---Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.

The Nigerian hell
Man dies and goes to Hell, there he finds that there is a different Hell for each country, he decides to go round and choose the least painful to spend his eternity. He goes to the German Hell and ask, "what do they do here" He is told " first they put you in an Electric Chair for an Hour, then lay you on a Bed of Nails for another Hour, then the German Devil comes in and Whips you for the rest of the day.
The Man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on.
He checks out the USA, UK, RUSSIAN Hells as well as many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the German Hell.
Then he comes to the Nigerian Hell and finds that there is a Long Queue of people waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, "what do they do here ?" He is told "First they put you in an Electric Chair for an hour, and then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour then Nigerian Devil comes in and Whips you for the Rest of the Day." But that is exactly the same as all the other hells, why are there so many people waiting to get in ?" ask the man... A concerned fellow calls him aside and said, "Because there is never any STABLE ELECTRICITY in Nigerian hell so the Electric Chair doesn't work. The nails were paid for but were never SUPPLIED by the Contractor, so the Bed is Comfortable to sleep on... And the Nigerian Devil used to be a CIVIL SERVANT, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and leaves for Personal Business.

Super glue
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma,
"Where's mom and dad?" to which she replied, "They're up in bed." The little boy started to giggle, ate his breakfast and went out to play.
Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, "Where's mom and dad?" and she replied, "They're still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle, ate his lunch and went out to play. 
Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where's mom and dad?" His grandmother replied, "They're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed, you start to laugh.
What is going on here?" The little boy replied, "Well last night daddy came into my bed room and asked me for the Vaseline, and I gave him super glue."

Spell Plantain
Teacher: Kola, spell plantain
Kola: whish one? the lipe one or the unlipe one?
Teacher: what difference does it make? Just spell plantain!
Kola: Teasha, If you fly the lipe one na 'DODO',if you fly the unlipe one na 'SHIPS'if you loast am, na 'BORLI'
All of them na plantain, so whish one you wan make I spell?

Have a lovely weekend.

Pirates kidnap crew from ship off Equatorial Guinea

(Reuters) Pirates kidnapped four crew members when they attacked a container ship off the coast of Equatorial Guinea, the vessel's management company said on Thursday. Hamburg based shipping firm Leonhardt and Blumberg said the four hostages two Ukrainians, a Russian and one from the Pacific island nation of Kiribati were taken when the Liberia flagged Hansa Marburg was attacked on Tuesday by armed men. The raid on the 23,416-deadweight-tonnage ship took place around 130 nautical miles off the coast of the small West African oil producer, the company said in a statement."No injuries were reported among the remaining crew members who continued with the vessel to Senegal.
Read more.

Ladies time out...

TGIF! Ladies, Which of these outfits would you prefer to rock this Friday... From 9ja girls killing it.

Saka dumps Etisalat for MTN

Popular comic actor, Hafiz Oyetoro well known as Saka has dumped the Etisalat network for MTN. Watch new advert ( i don upgrade to MTN) HERE. 
Saka has been on the payroll of Etisalat for over two years until his new romance with MTN. No concrete reason was gathered for the switch but it is being speculated that MTN may have offered Saka more money than what Etisalat had offered him. He has already shot a TV commercial for MTN.

Justin Bieber's tour bus Raided by Swedish Police

Justin Bieber's tour bus has bin raided by Swedish police who allegedly found marijuana on board Wednesday night.
According to a Swedish newspaper, Police reportedly boarded the bus in Stockholm as the bus pulled up at the arena where Bieber was performing, and found a "small amount" of what appeared to be pot. A police spokesman told the Aftonbladet newspaper . They first detected a "strong smell" of marijuana coming from the bus as they were controlling the huge crowd that had gathered outside Bieber's hotel. The Swedish report says police also found a stun gun, which requires a permit. No arrests were made and it's unclear if Justin was on the bus, or if he'd already entered the arena, when the raid went down.

Hackers target AP's Twitter, send message of White House explosions

If you follow the AP's Twitter account and were alarmed to read a tweet that there were two explosions at the White House and "Barak Obama" had been injured, you weren't alone. The U.S. stock market took a plunge following the tweet, which was sent out shortly after 1 p.m.
The tweet, it turns out, was fake, the work of hackers who compromised the AP's Twitter accounts following phishing attempts on the organization's corporate network.
Full Story

French embassy in Tripoli Libya hit by car bomb

A car bomb has exploded outside the French embassy in the Libyan capital Tripoli, wounding two French guards and several residents.The blast in Tripoli destroyed the embassy’s ground-floor reception area and perimeter wall, as well as damaging neighbouring homes and shops.
French President Francois Hollande called on Libya to act swiftly over this “unacceptable” attack.It is the first major attack on a foreign embassy in the Libyan capital.
Tuesday’s explosion happened shortly after 07:00 (05:00 GMT) in a smart residential area of Tripoli. One of the embassy’s guards was severely injured while the other suffered lighter injuries. Several residents were also slightly hurt.One young girl suffered a spinal cord injury and was being transferred to neighbouring Tunisia for treatment, her father told the BBC.The blast took place in a small side street and left a scene of devastation, the BBC’s Rana Jawad in Tripoli reports.

Nigeria gun battle was joint assault with Chad, Niger (Reuters)

The bloody gun battle against Islamist insurgents in Nigeria last week involved forces from neighboring Chad and Niger, officials said on Tuesday, as West African countries increasingly view jihadist groups as a cross-border threat.
A joint force of more than 100 was assembled after an intelligence report said militants from the Boko Haram militant group had moved into Baga, a fishing town in northeast Nigeria on the shores of Lake Chad, two Nigerian military sources, a senior officer from Niger and a Chadian military official said. The operation - possibly one of the deadliest since Boko Haram launched its insurgency in 2009 - highlights the shared concerns of West African nations that growing links between jihadist groups in the Sahara desert are a threat to their national security. Neighboring countries were alarmed last year when Islamists took over vast parts of Mali before French forces pushed them out.
Click for full story.

Digital Africa 2013 Kicks Off Today In FCT Abuja, Nigeria

Digital Africa Conference & Exhibition is an annual event promoted by Compumetrics Solutions Limited, and organized on its behalf by foremost event management companies in Nigeria – Red Sapphire Limited and Eli Business Support Services Limited.
The event, simply referred to as DIGITAL AFRICA, brings together the ICT communities from Africa and the rest of the world to do business and network among one another, under one roof for three days.
The inaugural Digital Africa Conference & Exhibition (dubbed Digital Africa 2013)  starts its first day of event today in Abuja, Nigeria and is scheduled to last through April 25.
The venue of the event, Nicon Luxury Hotel, Abuja has been set up in advance for the maiden event.
Want more information on sponsorship opportunities for the Digital Africa 2013 Conference & Exhibition? Call Foluke on +234 706 971 2589.

Jim Iyke fights Jamaican girlfriend Keturah Hamilton in public

Nollywood “bad boy” James Ikechukwu, popularly known as Jim Iyke fought his long time Jamaican model girlfriend Keturah Hamilton in public following allegations of flirting with other girls in his last weeks Unscripted reality televison series.
Jim Iyke who is no stranger to controversy was filmed in a public verbal fight with the model who accussed him of ignoring her and flirting with other girls.

187 dead, 77 injured after fierce Nigeria clashes

Heavy fighting between Nigerian troops and suspected Islamist insurgents has killed 187 people, including scores of civilians, while massive blazes left nearly half the town destroyed, the Red Cross said Monday.
Nigerian President Goodluck Jonathan has ordered a "full-scale" probe into the clashes, a statement from his office said."Having received preliminary briefings from the military high command on the incident, President Goodluck Jonathan has ordered a full-scale investigation into reports of high civilian casualties in the confrontation between Nigerian soldiers and insurgents at Baga," it said.
Read more.

Powerful earthquake hits China leaving about 150 Dead with over 3,000 injured

Powerful earthquake hits China leaving more than 150 Dead injures 3,000.  scores of buildings have been reported damaged after a strong earthquake in Lushan county, Ya'an, Sichuan province, Apr. 20, 2013.
The death toll from a powerful earthquake Saturday in southwest China's Sichuan province has climbed to more than 160 people, with more than 6,700 injured.China's official Xinhua news agency says President Xi Jinping has ordered all-out measures to rescue victims and minimize casualties following the disaster.Chinese officials called it a 7.0-magnitude quake, while the U.S. Geological Survey put the strength at 6.6. The quake occurred at a depth of 13 kilometers.

Globacom’s reality show, Glo X Factor Hits Abuja.

Second suspect in the Boston marathon Bombing caught

A second suspect in the Boston marathon finish line bombing was taken into custody lastnight in the town of Watertown, MA.Boston police sources said they took in injured Dagestan citizen, 19-year-old Dzhokar Tsarnaev. Mr.  Tsarnaev was arrested inside a parked boat in Watertown after a police standoff that lasted several hours. Residents in the community cheered the police as the suspect was captured alive. His brother was killed last night in a shootout with the police.

Explosion Rocks Texas Fertilizer Plant. 180 people Hospitalized 5 feared dead.

A fire and chemical explosion at a Texas fertilizer plant in a small town north of Waco sent at least 180 people to hospitals, flattened buildings, prompted widespread evacuations and left as many as five to 15 people feared dead.
The initial blast at the West Fertilizer Plant in West, Texas, occurred just before 8 p.m. Wednesday, but officials still were struggling to tally the dead and injured early this morning and searching door to door amid the rubble for survivors, Sgt. William Patrick Swanton of the Waco Police Department said.
Full Story

FCT Minister Senator Bala A. Mohammed Opens up New World Class District in the Abuja "Caraway Dallas District"

Approximately 10 minutes from the centre of Abuja’s city centre, Caraway Dallas spans 230 hectares of delightful rolling hill landscape, which is made more interesting by lush greenery, a golf strip and a lake. With stunning panoramic views of both Aso Hills and the city centre, its prime location between Abuja’s peaceful countryside and active metropolis makes this a residential haven in the heart of Nigeria. The scope of amenities also includes the provision of a water supply distribution network, storm water drainage system, sewage system, electric power supply and distribution, street lighting and telecommunication ducting. Each house shall be sited on approximately 2,000-m2 area of land, with proximity to amenities including school, clinic, police/fire station, ambulance services, and a shopping centre. The District is divided into 6 zones or provinces: Fairway Province Regatta Province Justice Province Executive Province Diplomats Province Premier Province.
Facilities to be made available include:
• A 9-hole Golf Course
• Artificial Lake
• Shopping Mall
• Luxury Hotel
• CCTV and other Security Infrastructure
• 24 hour Uninterrupted Electricity Supply
• Street Lighting and Maintenance.
• Fiber-Optic Internet Communication
• Clinic, School, Police/Fire Station and Places of Worship .
• On-site Facility Management
• Petrol Filling Station.
• Private Ambulance Services.

Installation of the New Attah of Igala Kingdom (27/04/13)

Good news around the corner for the people of Igala land. On the 27th of April 2013 the New Attah of Igala, Idakwo Michael Ameboni will be presented with the staff of office by his excellency, Capt. Idris Ichalla Wada, Governor of Kogi State.
The special publication also provides opportunity for sons and daughters of Igala Kingdom as well as family and associates of the new Attah to identify with him and the entire Igala people through goodwill massages.
For enquiries call:
Akeem Mustapha -080-372-092-53
Friday Agboseina - 080-523-502-71
Kabiru Abubakar  - 080-683-451-16
Nasidi Aminu        - 080-350-513-04

2013 WAEC Questions and Answers posted on Facebook hours before the exam starts

The Latest News making the rounds online is that 2013 WAEC questions and answers have bin posted on a facebook page. It has not been confirmed wether this is a publicity stunt or true gist what.
See facebook page here.

A Must read for Single Guys: Top 10: Signs She'll Make a Bad Wife

If you’re thinking of asking your girlfriend to become your wife, deciding if you’re ready to make the commitment to marriage is only half the battle. You have to be absolutely sure that the woman in your life is someone you’ll be happy spending time with day in and day out. Love alone is not enough to make a marriage work, and certain characteristics are warning signs for a troubled marriage down the road. Here are some of the most obvious signs that your girlfriend is not marriage material.

1. She cuts you off from loved ones. A girlfriend who always becomes sick when it's time to spend quality time with your family and even forbids you from hanging out with your friends will only act worse after you say your vows.

2. She bails on you when times get tough. Life isn’t always a bowl of cherries, but that doesn't mean that the woman in your life should just disappear when the times get tough. If your girlfriend is not supportive of you emotionally through difficult times and only stands by you when things are going good, she's not the one you should be walking down the aisle with.

3. She displays psychotic behaviors. A woman who breeds chaos, misunderstanding and insanity might not be the best person to swear your undying loyalty to. If she displays severe psychological problems now, imagine what kind of influence her crazy and irrational behaviors will have on your future. Marrying a woman like this will most likely ruin your life and your perception of women forever.

4. She's too clingy. If your girlfriend can’t go anywhere or do anything without you, calls you twenty times a day and destroys any chance of you missing her because because the two of you are never apart, she’s going to make a bad wife.

5. She has nothing going on for herself. You should want to marry a woman who has goals and brings something better to your life, not one who is up to her neck in debt, has no income, displays unpredictable behaviors and has tried numerous, short-lived career paths yet never knows what she wants in life. This type of fickle lifestyle could derail your own life plan as well.

6. She's controlling. If your girlfriend controls all of your conversations, constantly forces you into agreeing with her and acts as an overbearing, emotional bully, it’ll only get worse after you say "I do." 7. She's already cheated on you. Do you honestly believe that a woman is marriage material if she has been unfaithful to you while you were dating? Yes, a person can always change and learn from their mistakes; however, a cheating girlfriend will more than likely continue to be unfaithful after marriage.8. Her libido doesn't match yoursAnother sign that she'll make a bad wife is if her libido differs wildly from yours. The way you relate to each other in the bedroom has a big influence on whether the two of you will stay together after wedding vows are exchanged, so it’s best to work this out before you walk down the aisle.

9. She's extremely jealous. Although a little bit of jealousy is essential for a healthy relationship, extreme jealousy arises in a relationship because of high levels of insecurity. If your girlfriend is jealous of every girl who comes near you, refuses to accept that you have female friends and feels threatened when you discuss your previous relationships, putting a ring on her finger is not going to make her more secure.

10. She can't admit when she's wrong. If she always seems to have the upper hand in arguments, refuses to admit her faults or even treat you as an equal, she's not the marrying kind.

A must read for Single Ladies... "How to get Mr Right".

Single Ladies: Hot Tips/Tricks to Meeting Mr Right

1. Don’t Wait for Him to Come to You. Although it would be nice, it’s highly unlikely that a gorgeous, well-mannered, high-paid and sensitive man is going to knock on your door in the next few seconds and introduce himself to you. If you want to find that man, you’re going to have to get out there and look for him! Don’t expect too much right away, but put yourself in a position to meet people and get to know them.

2. Expect to Fall Short a Few Times When you’re out there meeting guys and getting to know them, chances are you will meet a few that aren’t right for you. This can often lead to disappointment. All single women should understand that this isn’t failure – its one step closer to Mr. Right. Don’t expect to find your soul mate on the first night – it will most likely take some time. Expect to fall short a few times and don’t be too disappointed when you do.

3. Spend Some Time Thinking about What You Want When you’re searching for Mr. Right, it’s important to know what you’re looking for. While you’ve probably already spent some time considering Mr. Right’s physical attributes, what would he enjoy? What would his favorite kind of music be? Is he a funny guy?When you think about the things he would enjoy or appreciate, you may determine where to find him. Perhaps your Mr. Right is a fan of jazz – maybe visiting some cozy jazz clubs would lead you to him. By knowing what you’re looking for, you’ll determine how to find him.

4. Work on Your ConfidenceIf you are a single women with low self confidence, you’re going to have a difficult time meeting anyone – let alone Mr. Right. Men find women with confidence extremely attractive. Even if you don’t look like a supermodel, be confident with who you are and appear comfortable in your skin. If you accept and love yourself for who you are, so will Mr. Right when you find him!

5. Accentuate What Is Wonderful about You. Most single women  or any women aren’t 100% happy with their bodies; they may want a smaller butt, plumper lips or longer hair. The truth is that no one is perfect and most men don’t want their women to look like celebrities or supermodels. Every woman is beautiful and you should accentuate what is beautiful and wonderful about you. Men enjoy it when their women look great – but not overdone. Simply play up your best features and stay confident!

6. Don’t Be Afraid to Approach Him. If you’ve had your eye on a hunky guy across the room for a while but he’s not walking over, don’t be afraid to approach him. Read the signs first, of course he’s looking at you and smiling, there is no woman with him, etc. When the coast is clear, walk up to him and say hello. Ask him to dance or ask if you can sit down. Introduce yourself, talk a bit, then tell him it was nice to meet him and go back to your chair. The next move will be up to him.

7. Above All – Be Yourself. Even though this tip should be a no-brainer, for some it may still be very hard to do. Pretending to be something that you’re not could potentially turn a man off. Ever order something on a menu that looked absolutely delicious, but the actual taste was horrible? Men feel the same way. Though he may not be comparing you to food, he is expecting the things that you say you can deliver.