Saturday, April 27, 2013

Weekend jokes for Couples...

Four surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
But the fourth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable!"

What's the Charge???
A man was going around 1.00am alone in his car, he got to a check point. The policeman stopped him and asked for everything which he gave out. The police had nothing to ask again, in order to charge him, he said... "I charge you for driving alone at this time of the day, if you come get accident now who go go tell your people?" 
The man replied: I'm not alone, Jesus Christ is with me here, Angel Gabriel, Angel Rapheal, Angel Micheal and five angels are with me here. 
The policeman said: "all these people inside this your small car?
I charge you for overloading!!!

15 metres east
An European pilot came to Nigeria and hired two local hunters to help him get some 'bush meat'. He dropped them in the forest in a chartered plane and returned a week later to pick them up. He looked at the 'bush meat' they had shot. "There is no way the plane can take all this bush meat. We will have to leave a third of it behind.""But we did it last year", the hunters insisted. "The pilot took the two of us and the same amount of bush meat in a plane just like yours"The pilot hesitated, but then decided to take their word for it. "Well, if you did it last year, I suppose we can do it again this year."The plane took off. As it approached a nearby mountain, it could not gain height. it crashed into the side of the mountain. The pilot and the hunters crawled out of the plane, dazed but glad to be alive."I wonder where we are," the pilot asked. One of the hunters looked around, "Don't worry, I think we are just 15 metres east of where we crashed last year."

Urhobo Wayo
An Urhobo man invited his friends for his father's burial in his village. After lowering the coffin, they put yam, rice, meat etc, into the grave. His Hausa Friend asked why? The Urhobo man smiled and said, ''According to our tradition, the dead man is going on a long journey & need all the food items. His Hausa Friend dropped £500 inside, and said ''When the food finish, buy more''. ... His Yoruba Friend also dropped £500, saying that the man might need to buy non-Nigerian foods over there. The Igbo man brought out his cheque book and wrote a cheque of £1500 and took the £1000 cash notes as his change. He told the undertakers, to cover the grave and Let their friends father rest in peace...

HBD Akpors!
Akpors got a message from his girl friend on his birthday. Message Reads:”HBD Boo….LLNP,LYSM TTYL” ….
Akpors provoked and called her phone…”Kate what is the meaning of HBD LLNP and Those rubbish…?”Kate replied Haaa Akpors don’t tell me you are this dumb…..and local Oh My Gooosh ,you don’t even know the meaning of HBD and all that Mtchwwwwww.
Well, HBD means ”Happy Birthday”,LLNP means ”Long Iife Nd prosperity” LYSM means “Love You so much” and TTYL means”Talk to you later”dumbass. Akpors (angrily) ends the call and sent her a text message 2mins later, Message reads: TFY Kate.
Kate called immediately, “Akpors what is themeaning of TFY?” Akpors answered “Oh u don’t even know common TFY?” After much laugh Akpos replied TFYmeans: “Thunder fire you”

Talking Horse
A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won £40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again. asking her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."

Silly and Beautiful
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so silly and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me silly so I would be attracted to you!

I don't even know her.
Wife: Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don't you do that?
Husband: How can I? I don't even know her.

Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman...

Need still FASTER
---Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.

The Nigerian hell
Man dies and goes to Hell, there he finds that there is a different Hell for each country, he decides to go round and choose the least painful to spend his eternity. He goes to the German Hell and ask, "what do they do here" He is told " first they put you in an Electric Chair for an Hour, then lay you on a Bed of Nails for another Hour, then the German Devil comes in and Whips you for the rest of the day.
The Man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on.
He checks out the USA, UK, RUSSIAN Hells as well as many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the German Hell.
Then he comes to the Nigerian Hell and finds that there is a Long Queue of people waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, "what do they do here ?" He is told "First they put you in an Electric Chair for an hour, and then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour then Nigerian Devil comes in and Whips you for the Rest of the Day." But that is exactly the same as all the other hells, why are there so many people waiting to get in ?" ask the man... A concerned fellow calls him aside and said, "Because there is never any STABLE ELECTRICITY in Nigerian hell so the Electric Chair doesn't work. The nails were paid for but were never SUPPLIED by the Contractor, so the Bed is Comfortable to sleep on... And the Nigerian Devil used to be a CIVIL SERVANT, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and leaves for Personal Business.

Super glue
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma,
"Where's mom and dad?" to which she replied, "They're up in bed." The little boy started to giggle, ate his breakfast and went out to play.
Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, "Where's mom and dad?" and she replied, "They're still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle, ate his lunch and went out to play. 
Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where's mom and dad?" His grandmother replied, "They're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed, you start to laugh.
What is going on here?" The little boy replied, "Well last night daddy came into my bed room and asked me for the Vaseline, and I gave him super glue."

Spell Plantain
Teacher: Kola, spell plantain
Kola: whish one? the lipe one or the unlipe one?
Teacher: what difference does it make? Just spell plantain!
Kola: Teasha, If you fly the lipe one na 'DODO',if you fly the unlipe one na 'SHIPS'if you loast am, na 'BORLI'
All of them na plantain, so whish one you wan make I spell?

Have a lovely weekend.

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